I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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