I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just had sex on a roof
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
