So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
