i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
