just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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