she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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