your parents love me but you hate me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
