my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
