i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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