god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize