Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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