I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
