You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
