he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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