I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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