i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
