i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
