Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
