You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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