Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
