I think my vagina is haunted
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
