On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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