plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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