I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
