The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think people are normalizing furries
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
