my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
