My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
