How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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