if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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