He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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