If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize