If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
