I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
