genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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