I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
