I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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