The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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