i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
