I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
