i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
