Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
