Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
