I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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