be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
