I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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