I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
