just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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