i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
