??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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