oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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