WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
