Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Boobs are out for the taking
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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