So drunk its hurt
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
