having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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