question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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