I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
