That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize