you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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