Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
