Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
