dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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