Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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